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[littletonoidea]

"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

BZZZZZZZ

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[deuceoftears]

[And Jedao does listen. He doesn't accept all of Eiffel's premises - he can think of a lot of reasons to save Eiffel's life other that morality. He's a man with a prickly self-righteous professionalism. There had been a gun on him, itching for an excuse. Eiffel's death would be a waste of a valuable experimental subject, when spare bodies were thin on the ground and the ground very far away.

He also doesn't think wanting one good thing makes Hilbert a good person, or that 'deep down' even means anything. Kujen wanted to make a world where no children ever starved, and he even mostly succeeded, but he's still the worst person Jedao ever met.

But he listens. What he hears, he imagines, says even more about Eiffel than it does about Hilbert.]

That's a very compassionate case for him to be here, on the barge.

But it's not a case for his valuing your good opinion over the object of his obsession, no matter how much I think he ought to be grateful for such a gift.

And it might actually be cruel, holding what he's most desperate for just out of his reach, while he toes the line, frothing and fixating in futility, and you know it won't give him what he's after even if he gets it.

You said there's only so many times you can butt your head against a wall before you realize it's not cracking, you're just giving yourself a headache. Maybe you removing decima from the board is one of those headaches he has a chance to learn from.

[littletonoidea]

I mean... we're supposed to be compassionate. Aren't we?

[He's tired - not of Jedao, but the topic, the endless debate about whether this is helping or even the right thing to do. Of the fact that he knows he's doing a right thing, but there's no neat little solution that can wrap up Hilbert's graduation in a little bow.

Life is complicated and messy and exhausting. Everything was always easier in movies. So his voice comes out a little plaintive despite himself.]

Even when we don't agree with it, we're supposed to give everyone a shot, so we can at least start trying to work out why they're like this, right? How the hell are they supposed to get anywhere if they don't have people on their side, not just their warden.

[deuceoftears]

A shot at what, Eiffel?

[Jedao sounds plaintive too. He hates this - hates being the cynical one, hates pushing Eiffel when he's miserable. But he does think this is just tragedy waiting to happen, and he has to try.]

You can care about him and be his friend without using your own body as hostage and bribe at the same time.

If you think he deserves a shot at working with decima, then you should give him a sample and be done with it, instead of seeing how long he can wait to grab for it, like a dog with a treat balanced on its nose. If you don't think he deserves another shot at working with decima, then maybe giving him the thing he wants is not the be all end all of being on his side.

If you don't want to give it up because you also think, deep down, that he won't care about you or want you on his side without the hope of getting his hands on the virus that almost killed you...well, I imagine it would do him some good to learn to value having someone profoundly forgiving and kind in his life, regardless of their use potential use to him, and maybe he is there already and maybe he's not, but it would have to happen in his own time.

Giving him a chance to be a better person doesn't have to mean giving him a chance to do this specific thing. And if you do think there's some good that could come out of decima, there's probably people here who could preserve some without you needing to personally be a carrier for it.

[littletonoidea]

[Eiffel is quiet for a long few moments.

Jedao's not wrong. And he knows Jedao's not wrong. But it still hurts. Because it feels like giving up on Hilbert.]

I'm... gonna talk to him, first. Before I decide.

[deuceoftears]

[Because he's been so honest with you in the past, whispers a mean little voice in Jedao's head that he tends to think of as the General, an utterly ruthless scorched-earth instinct to win, no matter how much it hurts.

Shut up, you, he thinks back at it. Instead, he says wetly,]

Whatever you decide, I'm still gonna be on your side, okay?

And...no matter what anyone says, you're worth a hell of a lot more as a friend than a blood bank.

[It may not actually be Hilbert who has the most trouble believing that, Jedao suspects.]

[littletonoidea]

[The edge of a soft smile is almost audible in his voice.]

I know. I believe you.

[And the funny part is? He actually kind of does, these days.]

I'm gonna come crash at yours afterwards though, it's probably gonna be rough either way. You okay with that, or...?

[deuceoftears]

Please.

[Jedao wants to - well, not know he's okay. But know how he is, be able to hold him, and try to help.]

And we only have to talk about how it went if you want to. Any comfort snacks you want Hakkai to make in advance?