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[littletonoidea]

"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

BZZZZZZZ

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Comments

[cactusy]

I meant it like, I'm training Neal, so that's him taken care of. But how am I gonna keep you safe.

[littletonoidea]

...I'm not a toddler, Shaw. [And he sounds genuinely kind of offended, under the bafflement.] It's not like I'm going around sticking forks in power points. You don't need to protect me.

[cactusy]

If you were a toddler, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I don't know if I really have a team here. But if I do, you're on it. And I protect my team.

[littletonoidea]

[Oh, that's-

Hold on, he needs a second.]

...thanks, Shaw. [And he actually sounds a little bit touched.] Look, you know I don't go diving headfirst into quicksand. But you gotta be careful if you're gonna start picking on people who're threatening me. 'cos you're gonna get a lot of folks on your bad side really fast.

[cactusy]

Pretty good at doing that on my own, Eiffel.

But I'm not talking about revenge. I'm talking about protection.

[littletonoidea]

From what?

[cactusy]

I don't know, the next asshole who decides to come after you? How many times have you been hurt or killed here, total?

[littletonoidea]

Uhhhh.

[He has to think about it for a minute.]

Two deaths, I got Mr Manhatten'd by Makima and headshot by Quill. Two different vampires have almost killed me, on completely separate occasions. A couple of the kids here broke my nose 'cos I insulted Lilo's dead parents. You know about Doc Ock throwing me around. Uhh-- when we all got separated onto the other boats I got my eye gouged out? Oh, and like- everything to do with my old inmate Elias.

I think that's everything?

[cactusy]

Thanks for making my case for me.

[littletonoidea]

Yeah, the case of how even with other people protecting me, well before you came onto the scene, who have like- actual magical superpowers, I still eat shit.

You know I'm not, like- upset about that, right? We come back here.

[cactusy]

Sure. Done it twice already myself; I know the drill.

You should still have something to help you not eat shit.

[littletonoidea]

You mean my milkshake of harm isn't good enough to bring all the boys to the yard?

[cactusy]

-- Dude, that was terrible.

[THE WORST.]

[littletonoidea]

[Eiffel just sniggers.]

Look, the point I'm trying to make is- I get why you're worried. And I appreciate it, y'know? But if you spend all your time focusing on the guy who can actually worry about himself, you're gonna lose out on worrying about your actual inmate.

[cactusy]

My nonexistent inmate. I don't have one yet.

[littletonoidea]

Oh yeah, that happened to me a couple times. Yeah, we had way more cops than robbers for a while, I got a lot of paid leave there.

[cactusy]

[And she haaaaaaaates iiiiiiiiiiit]

But, uh-- I can multitask. Even when I get one, I can keep my eye on a few things at the same time.

[littletonoidea]

Okay. [Pressing X.] But I kinda don't know if you shooouuld?

You're here for a reason, right? You should be putting like, maximum effort into helping your inmate. Multitasking kinda means you're not by default. I think you're rad but even you can't go a hundred and ten for that long.

[cactusy]

Seriously? That's the excuse you're going with, here, on Happy Friends Spaceship where everybody keeps telling me I have to care about more than just my inmate and my deal?