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[littletonoidea]

"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

BZZZZZZZ

Action | Text | Voice | Video

Comments

[littletonoidea]

What the hell, Allan?!

[verticalwall]

[ Louder: ] KEN AND I ARE MARRIED NOW.

[littletonoidea]

I heard you the first time!

[Okay maybe now they're both yelling but WHAT THE FUCK--]

Oh my god. Look- come inside, and explain to me how the hell that happened?!

[verticalwall]

Eiffel. Please. [ Allan shoots the other a look. It's obvious, you absolute fool. ]

When a guy likes another guy they become boyfriend boyfriend, right?

[littletonoidea]

[Eiffel scrunches his face in the most baffling moment of confusion at that look. He's not sure you get to tell him how being a people works, pal!!]

Uhh... I mean, sometimes, but yeah? Go on?

[verticalwall]

Well, Ken said he wants me to be a long-term right-here normal-commitment full-time boyfriend-boyfriend instead of long-term long-distance low-commitment casual girlfriend-boyfriend like he wanted Barbie to be.

[littletonoidea]

[God he hasn't had enough coffee for this. The fact that it's like mid-afternoon is irrelevant.]

So... [He has to squint and actually traces one hand haltingly in the air as he runs that through his head again.] He... did ask you out. To be his boyfriend. For real.

[Huh. Good on Ken.]

[verticalwall]

No, he asked me to be his long-term right-here normal-commitment full-time boyfriend. And he apologized for something he didn't even need to apologize about!

[ Oh, right. Allan physically moves into the room, flashing the bracelet that's proudly on his wrist. ]

Look! It's pretty cool right? It's pretty cool. It's way cool. You're never going to guess who made it.

[littletonoidea]

[Would it take the wind out of his sails to guess?]

I've got no idea buddy. You'll have to tell me every detail.

[verticalwall]

[ He really has no clue! Not a single one! Oh, this is fantastic! ]

KEN!

[ Behold, the whitest boogie the world has ever seen as Allan proceeds to groove to music only he can hear. ]

Maybe we can do a honeymoon at a Planet Fitness, I think Ken would really enjoy it and I could hang out by the watercooler watching him on the chin-up bar and shouting encouraging things, like 'way to go, Ken!' or 'you can do another rep, Ken!'

[littletonoidea]

Waitwaitwait, hold your Hotwheels, Allan. [He pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment.] When the hell did it go from- long-term blah blah whatever boyfriend to honeymoon?

[verticalwall]

[ Allan flashes the bracelet. ]

Because made me this and gave it to me when he said it.

[littletonoidea]

I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but... okay, so being on a honeymoon means you're married. That's- not what being a boyfriend means. He cares about you, sure, but you're not like- husbands. Yet, I guess.

[verticalwall]

Eiffel. [ Allan reaches up, grasping at Eiffel's hand, calm and collected, patronizing him with a little pat. ] When someone gives you a present and says they want you to be their long-term right-here normal-commitment full-time boyfriend, and then hands you a piece of jewelery, you go on a honeymoon. Everybody knows that.

[littletonoidea]

[The hand patting is definitely the worst part of that entire sentence.]

Okay- first of all, can we please shorten that to just- boyfriend, because that is like. The minimum standard of being a good boyfriend. Secondly--

[There's just a very resigned, defeated look on his face for a moment.]

Is this a doll thing? Because human marriage doesn't work like that, so. No, not everybody knows that.

[verticalwall]

Won't that get confusing? Because there's long-term right-here normal-commitment full-time boyfriend and then there's long-term long-distance low-commitment casual boyfriend.

[ He'll get to the rest but this is an important!! ]

[littletonoidea]

[He takes his hand back so he can rub his face. And wonders vaguely if this is how Minkowski felt trying to deal with him sometimes.

Christ, when did he get fucking responsible?]

I don't think the second one sounds like much of a boyfriend, to be honest. That sounds like stringing someone along to keep him trying to a better boyfriend when you don't actually care about them.

[verticalwall]

Yeah, he sort of made that up when he invented Patriarchy and it all went downhill pretty fast. [ He's agreeing with you, man. But he's going to keep using it. ]

But that doesn't matter, because -- [ he flashes it again. It's a twist of the wrist in an impossibly uncomfortable way to display it fully, still a little too close to Eiffel, but his hand is back in a second. ] --I've never had anyone really give me anything this big before. You gave me the audio recorder! And I'm really grateful for that. I've learned that if you ask people too questions they get super mad and light your shoes on fire. But this is--this is a bracelet from Ken. And look! It's all my favourite colours!

[ He flashes it again in the exact same way. It's rainbow. ]