littletonoidea | IC Inbox

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"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

BZZZZZZZ

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I am top-notch scientist but I cannot make the human body work any faster. And it would be safest for child, mother, and myself if it were out of the womb before I drew blood. Safest for child and mother as there would be less chance of miscarriage, safer for myself to keep mother from throwing something at my head.

Luckily it's a false alarm.

The colonel told me you can't actually get knocked up here, so apparently I'm no-one's baby daddy here, thank Christ.

Then what, she is simply delusional?

[ wait a moment. ]

You slept with delusional woman? [ enjoy some quality judging from afar. ]

Not the first time it's happened. [He doesn't sound any more proud of the idea than you do, Hilbert.] At least this one doesn't actually come with the Kinder surprise.

That we know of. I will not trust Admiral's word until gestational period has passed.

Kepler said that people don't get pregnant here. And he's been here for what, three years or something? Statistically speaking, someone's gotta have used a dodgy condom in all that time, right?

True, [ he'll admit. ] But I am hesitant to trust Admiral with whatever he says.

Well, I trust Kepler, so. And he's not the only one saying it, either, it can't be that everyone else is wrong if the whole choir's preaching.

[ There's a pause before Hilbert points out, ]

You know Kepler is using you. He may have graduated but graduation does not change who one fundamentally is. He will use and manipulate anything and anyone in his way in order to get what he wants.

Yeah, well. He can be doing that and still telling the truth. So right now? I'm okay with that.

Even his version of the truth still has biases.

Has he ever told you what he and Jacobi did when they were on Hephaestus?

I know they murked you. Jacobi was real excited to share that bit with me.

Eventually Jacobi will shut up about that, [ he grumbles. Hopefully Jacobi will shut up about that. ]

There was third member of SI-5. Woman by the name of Maxwell. Before I was murdered, Kepler had Maxwell basically put her fingers in Hera's brain, rewriting parts of personality.

Which you did of your own damn accord, let's not forget.

Look, I already know Kepler wasn't a good guy. He worked for Goddard, got the Goddard special and now he's working for God-dude. Admiral. Whatever. No-one who reports to the head honchos directly with this damn company really has a secret heart of gold buried deep in their weirdly muscular pecs.

[ There's a very frustrated pause on Hilbert's end where he's obviously trying to put his words together. ]

That is good, I suppose. Even if Kepler is 'redeemed' and playing nice now, that does not change the sort of man he is underneath. I am glad you realize that.

Key word is wasn't, Gestaposki. All I'm saying is, Kepler sure seems like he's a lot more on team What's Wrong With Handcuffs than he might’ve been before he graduated.

Only reason he is on that team is because it is simply convenient. If your options are Team Handcuffs or Team Kill Someone Who Will Not Stay Dead, handcuffs is better choice.

I am more than happy for this to be a marriage of convenience, Hilbert. It's half the reason we tolerated you.

As long as you are aware of the situation, that is what matters most.

[ grumble grumble grumble! ]

I'm aware I had a pastel scare and Warren's like, one of the only people who didn't give me a diaper full of crap about it. Right now that's the only part I care about.

[ said in a slightly resigned, 'yep I should have expected this' sort of voice, ]

Eiffel I have no idea what you mean by 'pastel scare.'

The baby thing. Look, never mind-- there's no pregnancy scare, you can put your freakin' surgery kit away. Take a goddamn chill pill about getting your grubby little nerd hands on my bodily fluids.