littletonoidea | IC Inbox

You, Gaius and the kitchen sink.

It's fine, Jedao.

[Jedao is. Quiet, for a moment.]

I'd like to understand why you aren't even willing to consider it.

[Eiffel is quiet too, but his is more thoughtful, as he genuinely tries to interrogate his own reasons.]

Look, it's... it's not like Hilbert targeted me, so first of all he's actually holding up his end of the deal with Decima. I gotta respect that. And second - he got karma'd for trying to screw up someone else's day pretty goddamn quickly, so he's gonna be keeping his head down for a while now.

I do not concede that you gotta. Or that Doctor Hilbert didn't get something he wanted out of this.

But I'm not coming at this primarily from the angle of wanting to punish him. I understand that would be literal overkill. I'm concerned about what it says about the methods that he's very much still using: keep his head down for a while - then create or seize an opportunity.

Gaius's biosurveillance is an excellent contingency, but some day Gaius is going to be in a coma.

He's gonna learn from it at some point, right? He has to. There's only so many times you can butt your head against a wall before you realise it's not cracking, you're just giving yourself a headache. And I trust Crozier to talk him through it afterwards, get him to do something better with himself.

...besides, it's not just Gaius. I know Hilbert knows there's like four people, minimum, who won't hesitate to break his arm if he tries something on me. You and Hakkai are like, the scariest power couple on this cruise ship.

I don't believe Hilbert is a man particularly deterred by fear or pain, in matters of his scientific interest. Even if he weren't, Hakkai won't risk demotion. Our hands are tied and he knows that. And even if we could make him suffer for it, that would be too late. We wouldn't know decima had left your bloodstream right away, and Gaius's power's only work on those who give consent, I believe?

[At least he's made a show of that, when offering his healing services.]

So, if Hilbert knocks you on the head and has between six and twelve hours to secure his sample before you wake up and raise the alarm, his best course of action is to infect several new people as reservoirs, and lab cultures and animal subjects that can be kept isolated from Gaius's view inside cabins once he awakes. Either he has multiple options, or Gaius tags and clears the other passengers and he fumes and takes his punishment and pretends that's all of it. He's a logical thinker and an accomplished liar. It's a straightforward enough plan. If I could come up with it, so could he.

[All quiet, logically laid out piece by piece. Jedao sees it as clearly as pieces on a chess board.]

[Thanks Eiffel hates it.]

...oh. Yeah, that... that checks out. It's not like I knew he and the captain were stashing home-made napalm on the Hephaestus, either, so. He's good at hiding things when he wants to.

[Eiffel you are also not particularly observant, and it is a huge ship.]

I think it's reasonable that you want to give him a chance.

But I...want to know, and I want you to consider...does he actually want to earn your trust? Or does he just want to have your trust, to serve the same purposes he always has? What has he done, or even what could he do, that would be evidence of the one or the other, beyond saying the right words?

To me, this incident seems like evidence of the latter. But I don't know what other evidence I'm not privy to.

[There's the click of a lighter in the background.]

...I don't think Hilbert's a bad person. Right? Like... I know. I know he's done some... god-awful, who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are, completely gross violations of ethics and science and medicine and the Geneva Convention or whatever. I know that- most of Captain Lovelace's crew got killed, because he was using them as lab rats, when the first one he infected died in a freak goddamn accident because we live in freaking space.

[He takes a deep breath, sighing through the cigarette. Debating how much he feels like he can share.]

...but he wants to help people. I know he does, or I would have died on the operating table when the virus started kicking my ass. He saved Lovelace's life, because it was the right thing to do, when we'd been preparing to betray her 'cos we thought her plan was gonna get us all killed. He's a good person, deep down.

Like, really deep down. Buried under all the crusty layers of Chernobyl fallout and despair. He wants Decima to work, and he thinks it does 'cos I started healing after I almost died - but that's not the virus. That's from Lovelace, the transfusion I got.

[And Jedao does listen. He doesn't accept all of Eiffel's premises - he can think of a lot of reasons to save Eiffel's life other that morality. He's a man with a prickly self-righteous professionalism. There had been a gun on him, itching for an excuse. Eiffel's death would be a waste of a valuable experimental subject, when spare bodies were thin on the ground and the ground very far away.

He also doesn't think wanting one good thing makes Hilbert a good person, or that 'deep down' even means anything. Kujen wanted to make a world where no children ever starved, and he even mostly succeeded, but he's still the worst person Jedao ever met.

But he listens. What he hears, he imagines, says even more about Eiffel than it does about Hilbert.]

That's a very compassionate case for him to be here, on the barge.

But it's not a case for his valuing your good opinion over the object of his obsession, no matter how much I think he ought to be grateful for such a gift.

And it might actually be cruel, holding what he's most desperate for just out of his reach, while he toes the line, frothing and fixating in futility, and you know it won't give him what he's after even if he gets it.

You said there's only so many times you can butt your head against a wall before you realize it's not cracking, you're just giving yourself a headache. Maybe you removing decima from the board is one of those headaches he has a chance to learn from.

Edited 2023-10-06 05:57 (UTC)

I mean... we're supposed to be compassionate. Aren't we?

[He's tired - not of Jedao, but the topic, the endless debate about whether this is helping or even the right thing to do. Of the fact that he knows he's doing a right thing, but there's no neat little solution that can wrap up Hilbert's graduation in a little bow.

Life is complicated and messy and exhausting. Everything was always easier in movies. So his voice comes out a little plaintive despite himself.]

Even when we don't agree with it, we're supposed to give everyone a shot, so we can at least start trying to work out why they're like this, right? How the hell are they supposed to get anywhere if they don't have people on their side, not just their warden.

A shot at what, Eiffel?

[Jedao sounds plaintive too. He hates this - hates being the cynical one, hates pushing Eiffel when he's miserable. But he does think this is just tragedy waiting to happen, and he has to try.]

You can care about him and be his friend without using your own body as hostage and bribe at the same time.

If you think he deserves a shot at working with decima, then you should give him a sample and be done with it, instead of seeing how long he can wait to grab for it, like a dog with a treat balanced on its nose. If you don't think he deserves another shot at working with decima, then maybe giving him the thing he wants is not the be all end all of being on his side.

If you don't want to give it up because you also think, deep down, that he won't care about you or want you on his side without the hope of getting his hands on the virus that almost killed you...well, I imagine it would do him some good to learn to value having someone profoundly forgiving and kind in his life, regardless of their use potential use to him, and maybe he is there already and maybe he's not, but it would have to happen in his own time.

Giving him a chance to be a better person doesn't have to mean giving him a chance to do this specific thing. And if you do think there's some good that could come out of decima, there's probably people here who could preserve some without you needing to personally be a carrier for it.

Edited 2023-10-06 06:41 (UTC)

[Eiffel is quiet for a long few moments.

Jedao's not wrong. And he knows Jedao's not wrong. But it still hurts. Because it feels like giving up on Hilbert.]

I'm... gonna talk to him, first. Before I decide.

[Because he's been so honest with you in the past, whispers a mean little voice in Jedao's head that he tends to think of as the General, an utterly ruthless scorched-earth instinct to win, no matter how much it hurts.

Shut up, you, he thinks back at it. Instead, he says wetly,]

Whatever you decide, I'm still gonna be on your side, okay?

And...no matter what anyone says, you're worth a hell of a lot more as a friend than a blood bank.

[It may not actually be Hilbert who has the most trouble believing that, Jedao suspects.]

[The edge of a soft smile is almost audible in his voice.]

I know. I believe you.

[And the funny part is? He actually kind of does, these days.]

I'm gonna come crash at yours afterwards though, it's probably gonna be rough either way. You okay with that, or...?

Please.

[Jedao wants to - well, not know he's okay. But know how he is, be able to hold him, and try to help.]

And we only have to talk about how it went if you want to. Any comfort snacks you want Hakkai to make in advance?

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