littletonoidea | IC Inbox

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"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

BZZZZZZZ

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More like layers? [He drags a claw against the surface of the table to illustrate.] Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy, Sloth. They've got the original sins in charge of them, but humans who die and become sinners are stuck in Pride.

[He takes another swig of his drink with a laugh.]

You kidding? Sinners fucking love ruining the lives of the assholes they left behind. Guess they already figure they can't get any more damned, so why pretend to be nice? May as well get revenge on that asshole from 3rd grade who broke your video game.

[He leans forward on an elbow, sipping as Blitz explains. Sue him, it's actually pretty interesting.]

So imps, demons, all that jazz - completely unrelated to humans. Except for when you're like. You know. Having relations.

...wait, so do you live in Pride too?

I mean, sinners are dead humans. The rest of us were born there. Or I guess, the deadly sins have been around since the beginning.

I live in Pride yeah, it's cheaper to rent in Imp City plus all my fucking clients are sinners. Gotta make sure they can actually get to me.

I mean I could live in Wrath but that's all fucking farms and shit. I'm not a hillbilly chucklefuck.

Okay, so Wrath is like- Texas. Or Kansas. Huh. So, the deeper you get, the more powerful shit gets? [He frowns, good-natured curiosity.] D'you guys have to go through Customs and shit too to get between layers?

Nah, it just gets different. Lucifer rules Pride and he's pretty damn powerful, so it's not about how deep you go.

[A wide grin at that.]

There's like elevators and shit. But travelling isn't too hard between the rings. They gotta get all the shit from one place to another somehow. Sinners just have like. Magic or something keeping them to Pride, mostly they keep to Pentagram City which is a fuckfest and a half. Seems like when you humans die, most of you fuckers can't wait to kill, fuck, or snort everything you get your hands on. Talk about repression.

I mean, I guess it depends on how much your Average Joe cares about the whole look while they're alive? Like, we get told that Upstairs said all that fun shit's gonna send you to Hell, so most people avoid it. And the ones that don't already think they're going to Hell anyway so, they stop caring about moderation.

[He lifts his glass in a joking cheers.] I used to knock back way too many of these like, every night.

Yeah? Why stop then? Not like there's much else to do here, and at least you can get in here whenever you like.

Or would that put you down in inmate territory with the rest of us?

Nah. [The reason he picked back up drinking would've gotten him in inmate territory, if he'd been picked up earlier.] My now-ex girlfriend got two pink lines. I cleaned up for the incoming mess.

[Not that he sounds like he regrets it at all. He honestly sounds quite nostalgic. Fond, if the smile were a little less sad.]

Oh fuck, knocked up huh? I guess it's good that you cleaned yourself up.

[He glowers a bit at his drink and downs the rest of it like he's got a personal vendetta against it.]

So are we gonna keep dancing around this or are you gonna ask me what I figure you want to?

[He knocks his back as well with that.]

I mean, hey, I was just enjoying shooting the shit, but if you wanna tell me why you and Mysterio got into an all-out for no fun and no profit, I'm all ears.

Yeah, well, we were starting to get dangerously fucking close to you breaking down and telling me all about your hopes and dreams and I didn't want to deal with that shit.

Besides, there's nothing to tell. Bitch had it coming and she pulled a knife first. So unless you feel like giving me something to fight back with...

[No need for Eiffel to know he has a knife, after all.]

Just do the warden lecture already.

[That makes Eiffel pause as he puts his drink down, making the glass hover awkwardly as he tries to parse what the fuck that's supposed to mean.]

Warden lecture?

Yeah you know. [He waves a hand.] All that shit about trying to make friends and get along with people and not starting fights and blah blah kumbaya bullshit.

Oh, uh.

[He makes a face like he's thinking about it, but he's deliberately waiting for Blitz to take a drink before he offers his very sage advice, in a genuine, querying tone like he's not sure it'll help.]

Next time don't get stabbed you fucking pussy?

[Blitzø immediately chokes on his drink and there's a solid few seconds of imp choking for air noises, enjoy that Eiffel.]

I'm- [WHEEZE] -gonna quote you on that.

[Oh don't worry, Eiffel is inordinately pleased, and he giggles like a fucking toddler at the sight.]

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.

[He finally picks up his coke no rum, and gestures idly with it.]

You know, there's plenty of asshole wardens, or lethal murder-happy wardens. That's not a prerequisite to graduating. It's mostly just- you know, pick your time and place for 'em. Pick better battles, put some back, that sort of thing.

[He perks up a bit.]

Think I can get paired with one of those? One who might give me a fucking gun or some shit? Cause I'm a big fan of getting some battles...

Edited 2024-03-04 07:29 (UTC)

[There's still a casual grin on his face, as he relaxes again.]

You know, I think a warden who's used to trigger-happy bastards like you is gonna be more hesitant to give you heavy munitions. Just 'cos they know the real damage they can do.

[He waves his drink to indicate all of Blitz.] Besides, Mr Smith, you could probably kill someone with a toothpick. That's your job.

Yeah but it's a lot harder to kill someone with a toothpick while they're busy stabbing you.

[He rubs his bandaged shoulder.] Not like there were any toothpicks around anyway.

[Eiffel frowns, and he looks genuinely concerned.]

You're talking this much game and you're not even armed? You sure you're not asking for it?

[And somehow he makes that sound like less of an insult and more of a genuine worry.]

[He just blinks wide, yellow eyes at Eiffel for a moment.]

No shit I'm asking for it, have you even met me? I'm an asshole on purpose to everyone, it's who I am.

[He tilts his head and waggles one hand in a kinda-sorta motion.]

Look, take it from a guy who's been through the gamut of assholes - I'm a goddamn connoisseur. There's being an asshole, and there's being an asshole specifically inviting people to beat the shit out of you. Believe it or not, those are two different things.

Pfft yeah, one of them is more fun.

[He grins at Eiffel, though it's less amused and more sharp teeth and bad intentions.]

Next time I'll have a knife, don't fucking worry about it.

[Eiffel stares at Blitz with a flat face.

And then he picks up one of his safe shots, downs it, and throws the empty glass at Blitz's stabbed shoulder. Just hard enough to bounce and make a point.]

OW! What the fuck was that for?!

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