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I want you to say, "I didn't deserve this. It was wrong this happened to me."

...do I have to mean it?

[It's a bit dry, to hide how he's maybe not a hundred percent joking.]

But no, I, um. Iiii... [You'd think this would be easier to say but apparently not.] I... didn't. Deserve that. It was wrong, that it happened. To me.

[Jedao knows. He stares Eiffel down until he gets it all out.]

Thank you. That helps.

You're welcome.

[It still felt weird to say that. But funnily enough, it doesn't really feel like he was lying. Not when it was to make Jedao feel better.]

...you gonna be okay, pal? That was... it was a pretty rough month.

[Jedao glances down, offscreen, where Gonou is sleeping; his face is utterly tender, gently sad. Tomorrow, tomorrow he has to tell Gonou The Worst Thing. He might never be this close again. More than likely.]

I liked the planet. It's only the second real one I was ever on.

I'm still a little fucked up about James, even though he's back. Some other people. But nothing happened to me. I'm good at surviving in cruel places.

Edited 2022-09-20 04:10 (UTC)

...I mean, all things considered, losing an eye isn't the worst thing that's happened to me. I think we both got out pretty alright, in the end.

Maybe that's what's screwing with Gonou so bad, y'know? Eurydice got all the way to the gates before Orpheus looked back and thought it was clear.

[Jedao knows exactly what's hitting Gonou so hard, but it's not his to explain.]

I don't know that story.

Oh, it's this-- [He gives a loud yawn.] It's an old Greek story. Myth. Whatever.

So Eurydice kicks the bucket for some reason, I don't remember why. And her boyfriend Orpheus, he's like- the best musician in all the world, puts the gods to shame. So he travels all the way to the bottom of the Underworld, charming his way down with the power of sick beats, and when he gets to the king and queen down there, he plays them such a sad melody that the king's like-- [And he puts on a stupid surfer bro voice ] "Yo, kid, that music was gnarly. You can have your girlfriend back, but only if you don't look back the rest of the way, right? Otherwise we keep her for good."

And he does, you know? He does a super good job, he keeps playing music so her ghost doesn't get lost, and they make it aaaaaall the way back to the tunnel entrance. And our boy Orph, he can see the light, right, and he's so happy and in love that he turns around to check on Eurydice.

[He lets that hang a little, and when he continues his voice is a bit softer. Melancholic.]

Sometimes you can do everything right, but it's the one little mistake at the end that ruins everything.

[He makes sure to keep his breathing slow and even. He's not sure how much tension in his body it would take to wake Gonou up, but he's sure it isn't a lot, even with only one hand and knee touching.]

The first man I loved killed himself two feet from the door of an emergency survival capsule.

[His voice is quiet and very calm, with a far-away almost singsong cadence. He gives a little huff of breath, and a raw smile of exasperation with himself.]

I made my mistakes big, though. Big and right at the beginning, until they came rolling back to bury me.

[Eiffel stares at Jedao for a long minute. Not offended, or shocked - well, maybe a little shocked - but mostly just... sympathetic.

Empathetic.

But it takes a little longer to find the right words.]

That's why I don't drink. One glass turns into one... big. mistake. And then your boy Douggie loses custody of his daughter because he...

[He bites his lip, lifting a hand to tug his hair as he looks away. Very nearly rolls onto his other side to get away from the conversation, but instead he just lets out a long, shaking exhale, and his voice just drops quieter instead.]

Well, she's not dead. So I guess it's not really the same.

[It takes him a few seconds to parse the sentence. The idea of a non-custodial parent doesn't exist in High Language, in a world where parents can pick genes for creche-born children from any number of sources; it would be like trying to say non-custodial custodian or non-parent parent.]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put that on you. Just - something about the image. Being on the threshold of making it out.

I still really care about you, you know. And - I get it a little, even if it's different. I can't even imagine having a kid. But I get - how much mistakes like that are their own punishment, I guess. Doesn't seem to me that it does anyone any good, piling on more pain.

[~~Unless you're into that.~~]

[He just gives a low scoff.]

Dude, don't apologise. You were hurting, you wanted to share. Honestly you're the first person I've ever told that, that's my bad for immediately turning that around and making it about me.

[Eiffel sharing pain in solidarity isn't making it about you.]

Look, if you ever wanna talk about things, like. The real stuff. I'm not gonna tell anyone.

[He knows he's an idiot who panics under the most basic pressure, and a coward who avoids conflict by readily and eagerly debasing himself, but that's the thing: debasing himself. He doesn't go out of his way to reveal other people's shit, because he knows that's just being a dick.]

You died. I turned it around first.

[Jedao points out, a little bit dryly. There's a fond you dummy in there that he doesn't quite say out loud.]

And I'm...honored. That you did tell me.

Sure, but me dying is--

[No, wait, pause, we're trying to be better--]

It's- um. You don't need to use that as an opening for stuff. Me getting chewed up and spat back out by life. We're friends, you can just... talk to me. And I'll do the same, for you guys.

It wasn't that, exactly. I don't like to talk about him at all, usually. It just...

Maybe you should tell me more myths from your world when you haven't just died.

[If they're still friends, after -]

I'll see how many I remember. They're gonna be pretty heavily filtered through some stupid crap, though, you know me.

[He gives another yawn, longer this time.]

Besides, all stories are rip-offs. You dig back through adaptations far enough, you'll always find a myth somewhere. Just-- find me and ask.

[He gives Jedao a warm, exhausted smile. Definitely still friends; Jedao hasn't even done anything to revoke that.]

Look, it's - fuck.

[He chokes a little on his own whisper.]

I'm going to break Gonou's heart tomorrow, maybe.

...what?

[Well that certainly wakes Eiffel up a bit, and he pushes himself onto his elbows to look at the camera properly.]

Jedao, baby, speak to me. What are you talking about?

[Jedao takes a slow breath. No one's ever called him baby before. He kind of wants to cry. The Galley was a fabulous excuse to put this off for a month but it hasn't made it any easier.]

Look, there's just - things. That I have to tell him. Like - it would be wrong, to keep going, if I don't.

And I don't want to talk about it, but just - if he dumps me, be - be cool about it, okay? Don't - defend me or say it can't be that bad, because it can, and - he can tell you if he wants, but don't make him. Can you just - do that? Be his friend first?

[He wants to push. By God does he want to reach through the screen and shake Jedao and tell him it won't be as bad as he thinks it is. Because Gonou was a good and kind person who wouldn't hate him for it.

But since Jedao doesn't offer it, he won't. But fuck the urge is real.]

...okay. But-- Jedao, you're my friend too. I'm not gonna not keep being friends with you for-- whatever this is. Even if Gonou hates you, which he won't.

[He smiles, and it's horrible. Just an awful, incredibly sad smile.]

I know. Thank you.

But I don't want to hurt him worse than I have to. So I'm asking you, as a friend, to be his friend first.

[Jedao you're making it very hard to promise this when he just wants to hug it out.]

...yeah. I can do that.

[And it's very much not a promise because he absolutely wants to be able to go back on his word if he has to.]

Thank you.

[It's soft and very earnest. Are you willing to disappoint this face, Eiffel?]

[Hey, he can blast those puppy dog eyes all he wants, he raised a literal baby. It's the other face Eiffel has trouble with.]

...you're not a bad person for letting him... I dunno, make an informed decision, I guess? [It's a quiet offer, some final act of solidarity and care.] But I don't think it's gonna change things. Long as you're trying to be better, right? Intent means a lot.

I know that's not why. I'm being better.

[Gonou deserves that. They just both have to live with the consequences.]

I hope you're right.

[He doesn't believe it. But he does look a tiny bit heartened. He believes Eiffel believes it, even if he doesn't know the details, and - it helps, to think Eiffel wouldn't hate him. Would care more about who he is now, in a way that Gonou doesn't really have the luxury of.]

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CW: suicide

CW: child endangerment

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