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[littletonoidea]

"This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the-- previously of the U.S.S Hephaestus, leave a message and I'll see if I can bear to drag myself away from whatever utterly engaging task I must be doing to not notice my comms--"

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[littletonoidea]

[Phase one of Operation: Annoy His Way Into Your Heart complete!

Eiffel nods his head back towards the elevator and presses the button.]

So what's your poison, hotshot?

[helluvamess]

The Jesus wannabe made me some shit with coffee and something strong, but anything that gets me hammered as fast as possible is fine.

[He trudges after Eiffel, shoving his hands in his coat and suppressing a wince as he automatically swishes his tail through the air.]

[littletonoidea]

Alright - sounds like an espresso martini, chase that with a rum and coke and finish the night with some shots?

[He raises an eyebrow at Blitz - a question, not mocking him.]

[helluvamess]

[Despite the general annoyance he's feeling and the dull ache in his shoulder and tail, he does look slightly more interested in the offer.]

Only cause you're offering and it's free.

[littletonoidea]

Sure thing.

[You keep telling yourself that, buddy.

The elevator dings, and Eiffel leads the way to the Lounge.]

You go grab us some seats, I'll bring the drinks over? Give your, uh. [He glances down, and gestures to Blitzø's everything.] Your whole ass a bit of a break.

[helluvamess]

[He shoots Eiffel a suspicious look because he still doesn't quite trust many wardens, but picks a relatively low to the ground booth to pull himself up in, carefully curling his tail on the seat.

He waits until Eiffel returns, stifling a yawn.]

Satan's ass crack I need this.

[littletonoidea]

[And Eiffel returns in reasonably short order, chatting briefly with the hot Maori guy manning the bar that afternoon, with four drinks balanced with surprising skill in hand: one each an espresso martini and a rum and coke.

(Or, in Eiffel's case, an espresso in a fancy glass and a highball of coke and lime.)]

Well, it's not every day it's all out demon warfare on the Barge. Which is probably for the best, y'know.

[And he slides the alcoholic drinks to Blitzø.]

How lucky are we that you guys didn't take half the ship with you?

[helluvamess]

[He looks confused by the question but then it clicks that Eiffel wouldn't know anything about the Hell Blitzø calls home.]

Nah, I don't have any powers or shit. Imps like me are a bit stronger than humans and we can take a lot of fucking pain, but that's about it. You're thinking higher ranking demons. Fucking overlords, goetian royalty, and original sins and shit, they'll fuck you up.

[littletonoidea]

Oh. So imps are like- the Joe Schmoes of the Necronomicon or something.

[Somehow that makes him weirdly way more relatable.]

Do all of them go topside, or just you when you're off going full Michael Bay for money?

[helluvamess]

The what of the what? Look, you say weird shit a lot and I don't usually give a fuck but I feel like I should be insulted by that, so I just wanna know how much.

[He hooks the first drink towards himself and chugs half of it.]

Hah! Fuck no, me and my team have special access you could say. Being able to go topside is limited, otherwise all kinds of sinners would be just running around up there killing people. You'd probably all go extinct.

No, it's usually those succu-sluts from Lust that get to go up and seduce humans, maybe a handful of others doing shit like moving drugs.

[littletonoidea]

[He picks up his own drink and goes straight for it. What can he say, he likes coffee.]

Lust? Like the seven sins are residential districts down there? And- how come you've got a special permit? Do people really get that hard watching you go screw up someone's day?

[helluvamess]

More like layers? [He drags a claw against the surface of the table to illustrate.] Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy, Sloth. They've got the original sins in charge of them, but humans who die and become sinners are stuck in Pride.

[He takes another swig of his drink with a laugh.]

You kidding? Sinners fucking love ruining the lives of the assholes they left behind. Guess they already figure they can't get any more damned, so why pretend to be nice? May as well get revenge on that asshole from 3rd grade who broke your video game.

[littletonoidea]

[He leans forward on an elbow, sipping as Blitz explains. Sue him, it's actually pretty interesting.]

So imps, demons, all that jazz - completely unrelated to humans. Except for when you're like. You know. Having relations.

...wait, so do you live in Pride too?

[helluvamess]

I mean, sinners are dead humans. The rest of us were born there. Or I guess, the deadly sins have been around since the beginning.

I live in Pride yeah, it's cheaper to rent in Imp City plus all my fucking clients are sinners. Gotta make sure they can actually get to me.

I mean I could live in Wrath but that's all fucking farms and shit. I'm not a hillbilly chucklefuck.

[littletonoidea]

Okay, so Wrath is like- Texas. Or Kansas. Huh. So, the deeper you get, the more powerful shit gets? [He frowns, good-natured curiosity.] D'you guys have to go through Customs and shit too to get between layers?

[helluvamess]

Nah, it just gets different. Lucifer rules Pride and he's pretty damn powerful, so it's not about how deep you go.

[A wide grin at that.]

There's like elevators and shit. But travelling isn't too hard between the rings. They gotta get all the shit from one place to another somehow. Sinners just have like. Magic or something keeping them to Pride, mostly they keep to Pentagram City which is a fuckfest and a half. Seems like when you humans die, most of you fuckers can't wait to kill, fuck, or snort everything you get your hands on. Talk about repression.

[littletonoidea]

I mean, I guess it depends on how much your Average Joe cares about the whole look while they're alive? Like, we get told that Upstairs said all that fun shit's gonna send you to Hell, so most people avoid it. And the ones that don't already think they're going to Hell anyway so, they stop caring about moderation.

[He lifts his glass in a joking cheers.] I used to knock back way too many of these like, every night.

[helluvamess]

Yeah? Why stop then? Not like there's much else to do here, and at least you can get in here whenever you like.

Or would that put you down in inmate territory with the rest of us?

[littletonoidea]

Nah. [The reason he picked back up drinking would've gotten him in inmate territory, if he'd been picked up earlier.] My now-ex girlfriend got two pink lines. I cleaned up for the incoming mess.

[Not that he sounds like he regrets it at all. He honestly sounds quite nostalgic. Fond, if the smile were a little less sad.]

[helluvamess]

Oh fuck, knocked up huh? I guess it's good that you cleaned yourself up.

[He glowers a bit at his drink and downs the rest of it like he's got a personal vendetta against it.]

So are we gonna keep dancing around this or are you gonna ask me what I figure you want to?

[littletonoidea]

[He knocks his back as well with that.]

I mean, hey, I was just enjoying shooting the shit, but if you wanna tell me why you and Mysterio got into an all-out for no fun and no profit, I'm all ears.

[helluvamess]

Yeah, well, we were starting to get dangerously fucking close to you breaking down and telling me all about your hopes and dreams and I didn't want to deal with that shit.

Besides, there's nothing to tell. Bitch had it coming and she pulled a knife first. So unless you feel like giving me something to fight back with...

[No need for Eiffel to know he has a knife, after all.]

Just do the warden lecture already.

[littletonoidea]

[That makes Eiffel pause as he puts his drink down, making the glass hover awkwardly as he tries to parse what the fuck that's supposed to mean.]

Warden lecture?

[helluvamess]

Yeah you know. [He waves a hand.] All that shit about trying to make friends and get along with people and not starting fights and blah blah kumbaya bullshit.

[littletonoidea]

Oh, uh.

[He makes a face like he's thinking about it, but he's deliberately waiting for Blitz to take a drink before he offers his very sage advice, in a genuine, querying tone like he's not sure it'll help.]

Next time don't get stabbed you fucking pussy?